I am very sorry to have to admit that I only JUST became aware of the existence of Peter Porker, The Spectacular Spider-Ham, while watching “Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse” with my daughter a few months ago. It appears as though I’ve sadly been missing out on some majorly wholesome comedy gold as a result of my ignorance. Spider-Ham, where have you been all my life? HOW have I never met you before?
Of course, being the nerd that I am, I just HAD TO find a Spider-Ham comic immediately after watching the movie. Fortuitously, it just so happens that my husband (apparently uncannily reading my mind, as usual) recently managed to get his paws (I'm going to do this all day) on a copy of Marvel Tails Starring Peter Porker, The Spectacular Spider-Ham #1 and I’m not even a little bit upset that he did.
Pencilled by Mark Armstrong and inked and coloured by Joe Albelo and Steve Mellor respectively, this amusing tail (ha!) is a proverbial menagerie of fun and giggles for the whole family. In this first appearance of Peter Porker, writer Tom DeFalco also introduces us to Steve Mouser, (Captain Americat) AND Dr. Bruce Bunny (Hulk Bunny).
You must already know that this is going to be aces, right?
Just a Humble Little Sausage Working for “The Man”
Peter Porker, a freelance photographer for The Daily Beagle, is out trolling for news stories, when he comes across the Gopher Gang getting up to no good. Being the ever-diligent professional, Peter sets up an automated camera to catch all the action, before changing into his porky alter ego, Spider-Ham, and kicking some serious gopher butt.
Unbeknownst to Spider-Ham, an evil gopher has pulled out a gun and things are about to get really real. But no fear, as Captain Americat (Steve Mouser is a reporter for the Daily Beagle in this version of the Spider-Verse) comes to the rescue and together, our zoological superheroes not only take care of the evil gophers, but also capture a nice little story for the Daily Beagle.
But of course, the eternally dissatisfied J. Jonah Jackal is displeased with the late arrival of the news story and demands that the duo head immediately to Video City to cover some suspected shenanigans and high jinks before the day’s 3pm story deadline or face missing out on their pay.
It's a Zoo Out There!
Upon their arrival at Video City, Peter and Steve are immediately surrounded by a mob of angry protesters, headed up by Alice Groundy, President of P.A.W.S. (Parents Against Whimsy Society). The protesters are carrying signs such as “No Fascist Games!” and “No Commie Games!” and are generally making life difficult for Mr. Bartholomew Bark, the much-distressed owner of Video City.
Soon we are also introduced to Randolph Rodent, a “two-bit hustler” who’s apparently champing at the bit for Video City to fail so he can scoop up the land it's situated on and build himself a brand-new jellybean factory. Here, we also meet Quincy Quackers, the owner of the Platypus Amusement Park, who is more than a little put-out that Video City is stealing all of his customers and spends some time feverishly lamenting the dismal outlook for his business. Amidst all the discord, Mr. Bark also tells Peter and Steve about the Masked Marauder, a mysterious vigilante who has been systematically trashing Video City’s games and leaving Dr. Bruce Bunny (the eminent video game creator) completely frazzled and struggling to stay on top of all of the extra upkeep.
Gamma Gambit
As if the day isn’t already chaotic enough, the enigmatic figure of the Masked Marauder soon makes an appearance, causing an ensuing crescendo of anarchy and some really big laughs.
Upon seeing the Masked Marauder, both Peter and Steve change into their superhero personas and give chase. Mid dirty deeds, the Marauder attempts to escape by trapping Dr. Bunny inside a video game called Gamma Gambit. As expected, while inside the game, Dr. Bunny receives an enormous dose of gamma radiation (why the game gives off ACTUAL gamma radiation is beyond me) and thus, Hulk Bunny is born.
HULK BUNNY SMASH!
As Hulks tend to do, Hulk Bunny immediately begins to smash everything in sight and so Spider-Ham and Captain Americat are forced to divide and conquer.
Pursuant to some intense chases and a lot of fighting, Spider-Ham finally catches the Masked Marauder and reveals him to be none other than... Quincy Quackers!
The indignant amusement park proprietor has been sabotaging video games in an effort to put Video City out of business and lure his old clientele back. Meantime, Captain Americat catches up with Hulk Bunny on the merry-go-round at the Video City-adjacent amusement park, where the scientist has thankfully chilled out long enough to resume his Dr. Bunny persona.
The Pigs Take Flight
Upon seeing all the hoopla, Randolph Rodent (who may have been grossly mischaracterized as a “two-bit hustler”) approaches Quincy and tells him that he should have just talked to him about his business problems in the first place, instead of taking matters into his own hands as the Marauder. Against all odds, Randolph suggests a team-up with Quincy, where he offers to build his jellybean factory inside Platypus Amusement Park. This fulfills, not only Randolph’s business dreams, but also simultaneously (in some unbeknownst way) helps save Quincy’s business as well.
The Beagle Gets the Scoop
As the day’s disarray comes to a neat close, Spider-Ham and Captain Americat realize that they are about to miss their story deadline again. Returning to their civilian personas, the pair hurriedly make their way back to the Daily Beagle, where they presumably get J. Jonah Jackal his scoop, just in the nick of time, and (hopefully) manage to avoid his wrath. And thus ends one of the most hilariously pure comic books I’ve read in a long time.
For more Peter Porker fun, I recommend that you check out Spider-Ham: Caught in a Ham from Marvel HQ. It's a pretty good laugh, not in the least due to the fact that Spider-Ham is voiced by the hilarious John Mulaney. I'm pretty sure you'll enjoy it as much as I did.
Th-th-th-th-th-that's all folks!
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